Reflection

The boys went racing on Friday and Saturday which gave me time alone to reflect on sooo many things in my life. What have I learned from Coronavirus quarantine and how do I want to do things differently?  I feel like I want to get rid of all the extras that have crept into my schedule over the years and start with a clean slate again. I'm talking a whole schedule makeover.

Each year I write down the things I need to do (scriptures/prayer/breakfast/exercise/shower/WRITING/make dinner)
and squish them in and around the scheduled things I have every day of each week
(personal training, YW 3-hour organizational meeting, YW activities, Clara, laundry, groceries, temple, walking with friends, planning/prepping YW activities, lunches with friends, YW weekend activities, haircut & color, book club, FHE, ministering, ETC!)

Could I get rid of everything and slowly add back the things I really miss and really want to keep in my life?

And the other question I've really been pondering is, "Do I believe God's inspiration for me can be different from what we've been taught within Church culture?"

I am struggling with the constant unpredictability of Young Women's "extra programming." (All the extras that pop up outside of the normal Sunday and Wednesday activities.) I don't believe in most of it. I feel strangled by my opinions being dismissed. I want to kick down the door of my windowless room that has a sign, "The president has been inspired, so you have to do what she says."

Of course these feelings leave me wracked with guilt. I should pray harder to have these burdens lightened. I should pray harder to know how to express my opinion (the "help me see it from your perspective" didn't help). I need to stick it out because I'll be blessed if I do. I need to stick it out because the girls will be blessed if I do. I need to pray harder that hearts will be softened so my viewpoints can be heard. Or pray that I myself can have a softening of heart.

To be perfectly honest, I feel like these are "philosophies of men, mingled with scripture." And if I followed my heart, what feels like me "Hearing Him," I would be allowed to say, "Thank you; I've loved serving; I love the girls; I've loved getting to know the leaders better; and we've had some good times. But I think its time for me to have a new experience."

But I just don't know.