Spending Time

This morning, one of the many things I prayed for, 

was to have meaningful time with Christopher. 

I've also been impressed to journal about some spiritual experiences I've had lately.

Last night when I asked if we could spend some time together today -- maybe watching a pre-missionary video "The District" together (which I actually think is pretty good but he thinks is pretty cheesy) -- he wasn't thrilled with that idea. 

When I finished praying today, I thought about his pile of clean laundry and decided we could work together to put it away. Or, even better, I'd put it away while he read the temple metaphor story in a book that I've given him in preparation for the temple.

He came into the sunroom to say good morning while I was reading my scriptures.

I suggested my idea about working on his laundry together, but he wasn't excited about that idea. 

He had a busy day but essentially said he could squeeze me and my project (his laundry) 

in for about 30 minutes in the afternoon.

He was up early because he wanted to start working on his new (very, very old) van that he and a buddy bought for $350 last weekend. (They've named her Brandy.)

They wanted a project to work on for the last few weeks he's home before his mission. 

(I have a lot of projects in mind that he could work on, 

but he wants teenage projects, not mom helping you to become a missionary projects.)

The first thing he wanted to do was go to the auto parts store to buy a battery to replace because the van won't hold a charge. It runs great once it's been jump-started, but can't start on its own.

He got home a short while later when I was up in my room journaling and asked if he could use my Costco card. He did some research and found he could get the same battery he just bought at O'Reillys for cheaper at Costco.  I told him I'd let him take it, but I know they won't let him use it without me. He said he wanted to try. 

I considered offering to go with him, but I was still in my pajamas and in the middle of journaling and I'm not really interested in getting involved with this van project.  

Instead I'd wait for my 30 minutes of laundry folding time we were going to have together later.

As he left my room, I told him this cool "aha" thing I was excited about that I'd noticed when I'd read past journal entries. They were about two experiences with Marty three or four years ago.

Instead of thinking they were cool, Chris was noticeably annoyed. 

I apologized and told him I wasn't trying to give some big life lesson. 

I just thought it was cool that God was so specific in responding to our needs 

and wanted to share it with someone. 

He responded, "I'm glad he's specific with Marty, Mom, 

but maybe I want him to be specific with me too." And he walked away.

Should I call out after him? Should I run after him? Should we talk some more?

I didn't think belaboring the point would be helpful.

So I just sat unmoving, feeling like a failure.

About ten minutes later, after I'd assumed he'd left, he came back to my room.

"I can't find your wallet." (To get the Costco card.)

I remembered it was in my overnight bag from the Logan YW trip.

"Chris, I don't think they'll let you use it without me. I'll come with you."

His eyes lit up, but he said, "I can see you're in the middle of something."

I stood up out of my chair, faced him, and holding his arms gently, looked him in the eye, 

"Chris, you might not think God is being specific with you, but I will be specific with you.

I love you and I have time for you."

He gave me a hug and I hugged him long right back. 

I pulled away and held his face (and of course I was crying but I could still whisper),

"While you're waiting for your own testimony, you hold on to my testimony."

He said he had for the last 18 years so that's what he'll keep on doing.

We went back to O'Reillys and I taught him to ask about price-matching. 

I waited in the car while he conducted his business. They matched the Costco price.

He was so excited.

He not only saved money, but realized that the battery was a different type than he originally bought so the guy exchanged it and was super cool about it.

He had another errand to run but said, it's not very close to here. I said, its not too far either, let's go. He was so excited.

It was something he'd been meaning to fix for a friend but hadn't ever gotten around to.

He was so relieved to finally get it taken care of.

Then we got lunch. While there he saw a friend and his mom pull up at the drive-thru. 

Chris ran out to say hi and show him photos of the van. He seriously has friends everywhere we go.

Chris sees a friends pull up at the drive-thru

When we got home, he hooked up the new battery.

He was so nervous.

What if it didn't work?

It didn't work.

He came inside and told me how disappointed he was. But he had some other ideas to try.

He went back out to work some more. He got it working!

He was so excited!

He came in to get me so I could see it working and hear it running! 

He told me how disappointed he had been when it hadn't worked but then how excited he was now!

He told me what he'd done to try again (tighten the connections).

He talked and talked and I watched him work and we walked around the van and he told me his ideas for it and what he was contemplating for his "next steps." 

And I got to be with him to celebrate in his success. And I didn't feel like such a failure after all.

My prayer was answered. But in a much different way than I expected.

And SO MUCH BETTER. 

I got to talk with Chris about things he's excited about. I got to teach him a few tricks and life hacks. I got to see him converse with strangers with ease. To see his joy at seeing a friend and be awed that he doesn't shy away from anyone or anything. His regret when he lets down a friend and his relief when he rights the wrong. His skill in working on a car. I got to hear him share his feelings -- nervousness, disappointment and excitement.

I've been blessed.

Today I've been reminded that love and spending time with my son isn't about

 hoping he does what I want him to do. 

It's about me loving what he does.

"God does not love us if we change. God loves us so that we can change. 

Only love effects true inner transformation, not duress, guilt, shunning, or social pressure."

-- Richard Rohr