But this year I am not making any goals.
This goes back to my trauma from last summer when I made lots of healthy eating goals, accomplished them, and felt so strong and fit that I took it to the next level. I started meeting with Nicole in an effort to... well... take it to the next level. She proceeded to tell me nothing about what I was doing right and picked out everything I was doing wrong (Remember when I had to soak my nuts? And I was bad for eating agave. And pasteurized cheese. And brown rice for breakfast. And not enough meat at every meal? And gluten.. that was a biggie... doesn't matter if it's sprouted wheat Ezekiel bread from time to time "even a fingernail amount of gluten will trigger your immune response and put you in inflammatory mode for three months!")
So when I got c.diff and asked her for advice and she said, "Yesterday I was talking to a friend about your problem and remembered you eat gluten!!" I basically wanted to punch her in the face.
That experience ignited a whole bunch of feelings. And the most powerful one was the Angst of Perfectionism. Because what's "perfect" to me clearly isn't "perfect" to someone else... or even to lots of people... lots of people who do studies and research and have proof that we should all do it their way.
At the same time I was newly called into Young Women's and was suddenly surrounded by well-meaning people trying to "save the teenagers," with worries about every misstep and with stories that began, "I can't tell you who, but it's someone we all know," then describing terrible behavioral shortcomings the unnamed teen (and all their friends) were getting himself into. porn, sexting, misdemeanors, pot, vaping, bullying, horrible apps, the evils of Snapchat and Instagram. And again I was thrown into a chaotic roller coaster of second-guessing if it was my kid up to the "naughty" stuff, or was I doing enough as a parent, was the wool being pulled over my eyes, did I like teenagers too much? and eventually me wanting to scream, "Can't we just love them and be their advocate that they will figure it out?!" Instead of collectively shaking our heads and saying, "one bad choice is all it takes and their lives will be ruined."
When I came out of my spiral (which included eating lots of ice cream and gluten and therapy), I realized all these opinions, or information, or proof or whatever anyone wants to call it, is NOISE.
It made me think of warnings in the scriptures. I kept hearing, "lo here! lo there! and wanting to cover my ears:
Luke 17:20-23
21: "Neither shall they say, Lo here! or lo there!..."
23: And they shall say to you, "See here; or see there..."
Everyone has an idea. And everyone wants you to do their idea, perfectly, or you're not doing it well at all. Whether its Dieting. Fitness. Parenting. Working. Organizing. Me Time. Marriage. Raising Teenagers. even Church. And you can find experts and research and books and internet advice and friends and neighbors and friends of friends and Facebook and the Local News that try to convince you that their bit of information is right, but often they are Completely Opposite Things from one another.
And its all Too. Noisy.
20: And when he was demanded of the Pharisees when the kingdom of God should come,
he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation.
21: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or lo there!
for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.
23: And they shall say to you, See here; or see there:
go not after them, nor follow them."
And that brings me to not setting New Year's Goals. Clara's favorite meditation/lesson which she repeats to me several times a day is "The Kingdom of God is Within You."
I have been hearing her say this to me weekly for almost a year. The Kingdom of God is Within Me. I know what's right. I know who to follow. I know what to believe, how to change, or when I'm Good Enough. I'm not talking about just spiritual stuff. I'm talking about everyday life stuff. Stuff that requires decisions but that also requires us to shut out the noise. And then listen to ourselves. Our own logic, conscience, values, morals, love, or inner compass. And if we're confused, most importantly to listen to the still, small voice. The Kingdom of God is Within Us.
So for 2019, I'm good enough. If anything, my goal is to not try to be perfect at anything. To just enjoy being me. I'm not saying I'll never set a goal again -- in fact, I do want to make time to write each day. But goals often are accompanied with "doing it perfectly" for a certain number of days or months or years. So rather than make a list of all the things I want to do better at or be better at, I am simply going to make a plan each day for what I'm looking forward to spending time doing that day.
Good enough is good enough.
 |
| Sheree gave us these beautiful daily to-do sheets. Perfect for my new year, keeping-it-daily, routine. Simple lists can still be beautiful, and pretty paper makes me happy :-) |
No comments:
Post a Comment