Parents vs. The Kids

At a recent RS activity, we sat in a park under a covered pavilion enjoying a variety of salads and visiting with friends. What a great way to end the summer! I sat on a table with some women with children my kids' ages and enjoyed getting to know them better and talking. Inevitably (as often happens when mom's start talking) the subject turned to worries about our kids or "kids today."

They talked about how prevalent sexting is. That most likely all girls (these women have teenage daughters) have received a request for topless photos -- probably starting in Jr. High. Also, one mom reported that her friend intercepted her daughter's phone and got some requests while she had it in her possession. She answered as if she was her daughter saying, "I don't think that's a good idea. And you shouldn't be making these requests." etc. She ended her telling of the story with, "My friend said these were boys we knew to be 'good boys' making these requests. And we would be shocked if we knew who it was."

The conversation turned to sex and that many/most/some/all kids think that touching each others penis/vagina with hands/mouth/body parts is ok. As long as they're not actually "having sex."

So of course I went home in a panic. I talked to Chris, whose first comment was, "I hate when the moms all get together and talk about this stuff." Chris and I talked some more -- me trying to get my point across about what is not ok and why. And him saying he knew already and they talk about sexting all the time in school and how its illegal to send photos and you could go to jail etc. And that, by the way, the girls are also sending requests for photos.

I hope he heard what I was trying to say. What I heard him say is "I hate when mom's start pointing fingers and using the term 'all' and getting too involved in everyone else's teenager's lives." And the more I thought about it, I do too.

One worrisome thing about having boys is that they won't clearly understand limits with themselves and others and coerce or force a girl to do something she doesn't want to do. Or misinterpret signs. Or be accused of forcing a girl to do something she doesn't want to do.

Just a few days later, I ran into another friend out walking. She is worried about suicide rates and wants to have an assembly to teach kids to be kinder to one another and look out for each other. She rattled off a lot of social media apps that are harmful to kids. In their family they've quit social media and it felt like she was encouraging others to do the same. I reminded her to talk to a professional for professional advice in her assembly -- not just rely on the judgments of what moms think. I reminded her that we/the kids can't be held responsible for someone's bad choice of choosing suicide.

I've had a lot to think about. And I've decided that I'm not a policeman. I'm a teacher.
I want to teach my kids what I think is wrong and why. And encourage them in what I think is right and why. But I don't want to worry every second that they're not following my counsel. I worry that I won't teach them often enough. But I will also remind myself that they have judgment and personal accountability.

I'm not a detective. I'm a safe place. I'm not a mind-reader. I'm a hugger. Sometimes we have to intervene. And I'm not afraid to do that. But I won't fall into the trap of taking on the worries of other parents around me. I don't believe "everyone" means every one. I believe if we make a mistake, it doesn't define us. Bad judgment last year doesn't mean bad judgment this year. That kids who don't follow certain rules are still good kids. Sometimes its hard to be a kid. Especially with parents watching and reporting your every move. Especially with parents judging you based on your decisions and attaching those decisions to bigger motives. I want kids -- mine and their friends -- to feel my love, not my judgment. I want to stand up for kids.