Kavanaugh and Ford

All this discussion of Kavanaugh and Ford has been running through my mind 

as I try to sort out my feelings. I think I've nailed it down:

1) Being controlled by a person is scary and upsetting. And it's not something you just brush off.

The discovery that someone who is stronger than you can hold you against your will is traumatizing. 

In college one of my boyfriends held me in front of the water slide splash zone at an amusement park. I didn't want to get wet and I told him so. He just laughed and continued holding me by the arms.

I got soaked. Was it the end of the world? No.

But I've never forgotten that feeling of someone forcing me to do something I didn't want to do.

It made me really mad at him.

I find the thought of taking that a step further and covering your mouth so you can't scream disturbing. It's not okay. No means no -- in whatever situation.

2) I believe people need to have the chance to change. We have all done something or acted in a way that we regret later. And those actions don't have to define who we are now. 

3) However, when you take away someone's free agency, they decide if they will forgive you or not. They can choose to hold you accountable. Regardless if you've changed or not. It's now their choice.

4) Also, the Word of Wisdom can save us from ourselves. It's a blessing.

At church in Sunday School our teacher showed the new church video on suicide.

  "Choose to Stay"

What I really liked about it was that it was clear that sometimes all the expectations we put on our youth (or anyone) can feel overwhelming. Struggling to do all the things we're "supposed" to be doing can lead to feelings of despair and hopelessness. These feelings can lead to guilt and shame.

Those feelings can lead to depression and suicidal thoughts. 

50% of kids experience suicidal thoughts. Choose to Stay. It gets better.

30 Years??!!

I debated whether to go or not, but after a good nap after getting home from our YW retreat, I knew I'd just waste time if I sat home. So I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for my 

30th High School Reunion. 

Before

After

I saw a good friend right when I walked in and the two of us had fun visiting with people that I'm not sure if I ever talked to while I was in high school. Of course we saw good friends too and enjoyed catching up. But I was really struck with us sitting at a table all together now, the stereotypes from high school long gone. It was kind of Breakfast Clubby -- a partier guy, a shy girl, two "molly Mormons" (as I was once called) and a basketball player. Now we were simply a group of 48-year-olds. We all loved our kids, we were proud of them and we worried about them. We worked hard and felt successful. We were all there because we cared about each other. Why else would someone come to a reunion? No one was there to show off. We're too old for that. We just wanted to make connections and feel connected. That made us the same...and unique. 

Lots of good friends. Not the table we sat at later.

Friday night we met at a restaurant and Saturday night we met again at a park. I was glad to have a couple of chances to visit with even more people. But I asked about one friend who another woman said she'd reconnected with recently. Why wasn't she there? She said she didn't want to come because she'd never married, was living at home caring for her mom and was overweight. I wanted to drive straight to her house and hug her. No one was comparing. No one was judging. Everyone loved each other. Coming would probably have actually made her feel better. To remind her she was loved and cared about. Even by strangers. I wish I could save the world.

Beautiful sky on the way to the reunion!

While I was at my reunion Friday night, Dan and Nick were at a late night Go Kart party! 

They stayed until 1:00 a.m.!

And Chris had a football game to cheer on and then invited everyone (the entire football crowd)

over to a party at our house.

Saturday we went back to Heber for Nick's lacrosse game. It's been a Heber/Midway week!

Retreat: Provo City Temple & Sundance

Dan's company had a retreat at Zermatt this week. When I found out, I asked if he could ask Zermatt to comp our YW group some rooms for our retreat. And they did! Sweet!

Thursday after school (we didn't have school on Friday), we took the girls to the City Center Temple in Provo for baptisms. We arrived at the perfect time--not too much traffic on the drive down and at 4:45, there weren't any other people waiting, so we got right in. Of course our big group took about a little more than an hour to all go through, but it went very smoothly.

One of our leaders was a designer for the temple and her father was the lead architect. It was fun to look for designs she created inside the temple and have her share some experiences in working on it.

We ate dinner at Slab Pizza then headed to Midway for swimming and games. Also hair braiding and chatting. Surprisingly, even sleeping! Everyone was tired and ready for bed by midnight.

We hiked Stewart Falls in Sundance on Friday morning. The hike begins with a lift ride to the top then mostly hiking flat or down to the falls and looping back down to Sundance. The colors were beautiful (I love Fall!), it was fun to be outside enjoying the hike (again!) and talking to the girls and other leaders.

We were home in time for a nap and then get ready for my 30th reunion! What?!

#TBT

In Provo after dropping off the YW at dinner, I ran quick to fill up with gas. On my way back to the restaurant, I turned on 800 East and suddenly the address from my childhood summers in Provo popped into my head, "256 North 800 East." I was on 300 North, so I flipped around and found our old house. 

Michelle and I had so many memories there!

Decisions and Discouragement

My new class started this week. Novel 2. I've got 20 pages due in two weeks and the next 20 pages due one month after that. With the final 10 pages due two weeks after that. 

With my new Young Women's calling, I'm still feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the different responsibilities: Getting our own presidency organized. Organizing the 4 leaders under me in our Mia Maid class and their varying responsibilities. Organizing the class presidency and helping them take on leadership responsibilities. Not to mention we're planning quite a few "extras." They're fun ideas, but it's not my style -- I lean towards families providing experiences and YW supports with Wednesday activities and an occasional temple morning. But even though I disagree, I wanted my president to know that while I'll express my opinion, once we've decided, I'll support her wholeheartedly. 

Being the president is a tough job. I remember when I had an idea for singing "Follow the Prophet" in the primary program with each class singing a different verse. Everyone either rolled their eyes or straight up said it would just never work. I really didn't think I was asking for something that tough. But no one was even willing to try. It was disappointing.

So back to my class. I don't think I can do it. I can't be creative when I'm stressed. But I'm being prayerful about it. I'm not 100% sure if I'm being prompted that its not the right time to take the class and that's why I feel discouraged. Or if I'm simply just nervous about the commitment. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I was so excited about it just a few weeks ago. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Stewart Falls Hike

In preparation for our Young Women's retreat on Thursday, Camille, Nancy and I checked out the resort in Midway and hiked to Stewart Falls at Sundance. A great way to spend the first part of fall. The colors aren't quite as vibrant as they've been in other years. But the weather was quintessential fall and the leaves were beginning to carpet the ground. 

We had wanted to stay in a place near Sundance, but by the time we planned our retreat, everything was booked and other places were too expensive. Then last week I found out Dan's firm was hosting a conference at Zermatt -- being held the same week we wanted to spend a night there. Dan put his event people on the task and Zermatt was happy to comp us three villas for our group. 

Pretty sweet connections and timing!

Last Day of Summer!

We've hosted quite a few dinners, lunches and breakfasts this week: 

Homecoming Breakfast on Saturday, Mission Prep class & dessert on Sunday,

Ministering BBQ with 5 families on Monday, Open House on Wednesday, and tomorrow

 the Mitchell's are coming for dinner (one of Dan's best friends from growing up in Clovis).

We've eaten outside and thoroughly enjoyed the last bits of summer.

But I wanted one more chance to ski. 

So after Nick's afternoon lacrosse game, we took two of his friends up to boating, with the caveat that I was going first. (So often we don't go at all, happy to let the kids and their friends go.)

Glad I took Dan's advice to wear a wetsuit. Sad no one got a photo.

But it was great water and I watched the sunset as I pulled behind the boat. Beautiful.

Then the boys played on the power boards until the sun went down.

Captain Dan.

Open House

For a year I've been planning to host an open house for our friends from our old neighborhood. Sometimes you just have to stick a date on the calendar and do it. I had about 20 ladies come over for a potluck lunch and house tour. It was so fun to see everyone again. Many of these women have known me since I was a child. We had so much fun walking through the house and yard while everyone ooh'd and aah'd and was genuinely happy for us and our new home. It was a wonderful afternoon.

(And for future reference: I made a large simple salad -- big bag of cut romaine from Harmons, tomatoes and cucumbers from the garden, feta cheese and shredded chicken from Costco. Italian dressing. A couple large bags of rolls. Water. I asked everyone else to bring a small salad or dessert to share. It worked out perfectly and didn't require any overwhelming effort on my part. Perfect)

Discoveries

Today after he did his practicing, Nick told me he prefers the clarinet to the saxophone. When I asked why, he said he prefers playing classical over Jazz. I asked if he thought he'd still like to take both instruments. Yes, for now. But if he quits saxophone, he said he wants to take up piano again so that he still plays two. Interesting. As he was walking away he said, "It's so weird how I wanted to play saxophone so bad but now that I got a chance to play it, I don't like it as much as clarinet."

Chris was excited to tell me about an experience he had at school. He said he was late for seminary so he was walking over by himself. As he crossed the street, a lady yelled from her car, "Joseph Smith was a liar! He lied to everyone!" Chris yelled back, "Screw you!"

Of course my first reaction was, "Chris! Geez!" But he said, "No, listen. There's more."

"After I yelled I wondered if I would get points for defending Joseph Smith or lose points for yelling that. And I really wasn't sure what the right thing was. And then in seminary in our regular scripture reading, my prayer was answered! Our teacher told us to turn to D&C (I can't remember where) and here was the scripture (reads it to us, but I don't have exact scripture) something about defending Joseph Smith!"

Nick interjects:"Well maybe you can defend him but not in such a fierce way."
Chris: "No, that's my answer! I did the right thing!"

What I learned is that my teenager does have a conscience. That he does want to do what's right. Sometimes he makes mistakes, but he feels bad about it after. And that he discovered the scriptures can give us answers. I'm pretty happy. He is a teenager after all.

It Was a Good Weekend for Football

When BYU beat 6th ranked Wisconsin, I shed some tears. 

I would have liked to call my Dad and hear him cheer the Cougars or comment 

on the players or awesome plays. Or the offensive coordinators or coach. 

It was so fun to be with him when he was so excited and you got to be excited right along with him.

I miss that.

But before Saturday's awesome BYU game, Olympus played their Homecoming game Friday night.

Luke was 1st Attendant in the Homecoming Royalty. Chris' friend Jake was 2nd. 

And the girls were all Chris' friends as well. (Not to mention Homecoming Queen was our sweet Trek daughter who we adore!)

Olympus won 42-0. They're having a great year.

And I missed looking for my Dad in the stands so we could sit with him.

But I loved watching Chris and friends hype up the student section.

Saturday morning Chris had his 14 friends and their dates over for breakfast. 

During prom, they cooked for their dates. But this time one of the mom's made her famous pancakes and homemade syrup. She came over and we cooked up the breakfast together which was actually really fun. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, cinnamon rolls, strawberries, juice. I love these boys and loved meeting the girls. It was fun to cook a feast for them! After eating they all swam for a while.

Nick had his first lacrosse game that afternoon. 

He's super excited about getting number "0"

I love lacrosse in the Fall! 

After the game we came home and Dan and I swam in the pool, worked on the Ireland trip hotels and Dan live-streamed the BYU game. 

Heavenly! The other times we've been swimming I was working on homework.

But my class doesn't start until next week so today was much more relaxing.

I said, "The only thing this resort doesn't have is poolside service!"

But Dan picked up his computer and ordered dinner via Uber Eats.

Brilliant!

Chris and Jake leaving to Homecoming. They love posing as a couple.

"Mom, how would a girl hold the flowers?!"

Chris and his real date, Brin.

We cleaned up and put on our UW shirts to cheer against the Utes.

UW won! Go Huskies!

Before the game, we heard thunder. Then we realized it was a fighter jet crossing directly overhead. 

Then we realized it was four fighter jets. 

And they circled at least 20 times. Maybe 25. They circled for over 30 minutes and it was like our own private airshow. So cool!

ESPN delayed the game so we figured they had to circle 

while they waited to do their flyover the Utes stadium. 

It was awesome! 

We would watch all 4 fly by one after the other. Then come in for maybe 2 minutes before they came back again and run outside to watch all over again. Finally we just went outside.

And on Sunday the Cowboys beat the Giants (I think it was the Giants). 

I think this is a first to have all our teams win in the same weekend!

Fingers crossed BYU and the Cowboys have a strong season!!

Second Chances

I just cried all the way home from Target.
At 4:30 p.m., that difficult time for moms, a woman about my age was in front of me in the checkout line. Her 5-year-old daughter, wearing a soccer shirt and pigtails, was sitting in the cart. Her 3-year-old son was running around the cart laughing and dodging his mom's grasp. Our checker was a young 18-year-old boy checking really slowly. The mom was simultaneously trying to load bags in her cart and contain her little boy. She reached out but he wriggled away. She put him in the cart, but he climbed out. Then her daughter climbed out. She picked up her son in one arm and loaded a bag with the other arm into the cart. With a big smile on his face, her son started squirming and she put him (subconsciously?) down. He ran across the way to the drinking fountain and pressed the button on and off.

The mom exasperatedly asked him to come get back in the cart. To stay out of the way of people. Her daughter ran over and as he pushed the water on and off and laughed, she would lean down and give him kisses on his cheek, forehead and lips. Then they giggled and laughed together. Meanwhile the mom was loading another bag in her cart and (I'm guessing) silently willing the checker to go so much faster. Then she called out to her kids to ask them to come back. But they were having too much fun and ignored her.

I asked her if they were her oldest or her youngest. She said, "My only."
I said, "They remind me of my children at that age. I have an oldest daughter and a boy 2 years younger." I said, "Look how sweet they are having fun and your daughter giving him kisses and him laughing."
She looked at me with evident appreciation and smiled. "Thank you!"
I think I put her at ease.

And then when I got to my car, I cried. Because there was so much joy on those children's faces having the time of their life at Target. But when I was the mom, I never saw that joy. Instead I only felt my frustration. My tiredness. My worry that they would be bothering someone. My desire to hurry and just get home because I was too tired to be in public wrestling children at this time of day. And especially too exhausted to handle a potential negative comment from a bystander.

But today I didn't see kids misbehaving or being rude. I saw children being children and finding JOY in the buttons of a drinking fountain and being with each other and riding in a cart and escaping their mother's grasp. I felt so sorry that I couldn't see that joy every time while I was living it. I totally missed it. And now they're 23 and 21 and so far away.

At first I was standing at Target annoyed that I was in a slow line. But I stopped and looked around and my eyes were opened. I saw beauty where I hadn't appreciated it before.

Happy 48 to Me!

While I was outside with my book club 

(enjoying a beautiful September evening and all catching up 

on everyone's lives -- we don't meet in the summer), 

Dan was decorating for my birthday.

He didn't want to stand in the window to hang the banner with Book Club watching,

so he hung it over the stove. It looks very festive! 

He's got design talent!

I woke up to birthday cards and gifts.

Last line...

Nick, I love that you write personal cards! And that everyone can laugh at me! Ha!

Dan and I hiked up to Lake Mary. Then beyond to Lake Martha and Lake Catherine. 

Then just a bit beyond to Catherine's Pass and he described to me where he likes to ski 

in winter and how it's often untouched with just al little bit of hiking!  

We ate at Silver Fork Lodge -- new to both of us, but we've passed it in the canyon a million times.

The leaves are changing!!

It was a very happy birthday!

48!!

Race Weekend

Racing day Friday and Saturday. Chris and his car. He's pretty talented on the track!

Dan and I went to the Demolition Derby with a whole bunch of friends.
It was a blast! And definitely we'll be going again next year!

Thought this was a pretty cute way to answer to the dance. Simple and colorful!

#tbtsummer89

Blast from the past! 

Our old friend, Carlos, posted a tbt photo of himself. 

But I recognized my striped shirt 

(actually Jason's striped shirt that I often wore the summer I met Dan.)

I told him I recognized my arm and he sent me the whole photo!

Ohhhh... that summer! 

That wonderful, wonderful summer...

Parents vs. The Kids

At a recent RS activity, we sat in a park under a covered pavilion enjoying a variety of salads and visiting with friends. What a great way to end the summer! I sat on a table with some women with children my kids' ages and enjoyed getting to know them better and talking. Inevitably (as often happens when mom's start talking) the subject turned to worries about our kids or "kids today."

They talked about how prevalent sexting is. That most likely all girls (these women have teenage daughters) have received a request for topless photos -- probably starting in Jr. High. Also, one mom reported that her friend intercepted her daughter's phone and got some requests while she had it in her possession. She answered as if she was her daughter saying, "I don't think that's a good idea. And you shouldn't be making these requests." etc. She ended her telling of the story with, "My friend said these were boys we knew to be 'good boys' making these requests. And we would be shocked if we knew who it was."

The conversation turned to sex and that many/most/some/all kids think that touching each others penis/vagina with hands/mouth/body parts is ok. As long as they're not actually "having sex."

So of course I went home in a panic. I talked to Chris, whose first comment was, "I hate when the moms all get together and talk about this stuff." Chris and I talked some more -- me trying to get my point across about what is not ok and why. And him saying he knew already and they talk about sexting all the time in school and how its illegal to send photos and you could go to jail etc. And that, by the way, the girls are also sending requests for photos.

I hope he heard what I was trying to say. What I heard him say is "I hate when mom's start pointing fingers and using the term 'all' and getting too involved in everyone else's teenager's lives." And the more I thought about it, I do too.

One worrisome thing about having boys is that they won't clearly understand limits with themselves and others and coerce or force a girl to do something she doesn't want to do. Or misinterpret signs. Or be accused of forcing a girl to do something she doesn't want to do.

Just a few days later, I ran into another friend out walking. She is worried about suicide rates and wants to have an assembly to teach kids to be kinder to one another and look out for each other. She rattled off a lot of social media apps that are harmful to kids. In their family they've quit social media and it felt like she was encouraging others to do the same. I reminded her to talk to a professional for professional advice in her assembly -- not just rely on the judgments of what moms think. I reminded her that we/the kids can't be held responsible for someone's bad choice of choosing suicide.

I've had a lot to think about. And I've decided that I'm not a policeman. I'm a teacher.
I want to teach my kids what I think is wrong and why. And encourage them in what I think is right and why. But I don't want to worry every second that they're not following my counsel. I worry that I won't teach them often enough. But I will also remind myself that they have judgment and personal accountability.

I'm not a detective. I'm a safe place. I'm not a mind-reader. I'm a hugger. Sometimes we have to intervene. And I'm not afraid to do that. But I won't fall into the trap of taking on the worries of other parents around me. I don't believe "everyone" means every one. I believe if we make a mistake, it doesn't define us. Bad judgment last year doesn't mean bad judgment this year. That kids who don't follow certain rules are still good kids. Sometimes its hard to be a kid. Especially with parents watching and reporting your every move. Especially with parents judging you based on your decisions and attaching those decisions to bigger motives. I want kids -- mine and their friends -- to feel my love, not my judgment. I want to stand up for kids.

Photo Shoot

For Young Women's, Mary Jane's daughter staged a photo shoot for the girls complete with retro, funky cool outfits and jewelry! She stages for a profession in New York (she and Courtney recently met at a ward activity!) and was very talented and upbeat getting all of us positioned. Two leaders brought bags and bags of funky clothes, jewelry, shoes, scarves, glasses and bags. 

We were instructed to wear our most colorful outfits. She made me go back upstairs and put on heels and wear a leopard print jacket with my outfit! I could use her to help me when I go out with my sisters! I think I need some more funky dress-up wear!

This photo really emphasizes my yellow tooth. #moredentalprobs 

Need I say the girls and leaders all had a blast!

Labor Day -- A Little Laboring, A Little Relaxing

How I love sleeping in and how I miss it when school is back in session! 6:45 alarm to do breakfasts and lunches and get the kids off to school! Ugh! But I love that we get up with them. It's important to me. And I love that Dan and I work together. This year we're making a BIG change... we've switched responsibilities. I'm doing breakfast and Dan is doing lunches. Lunches is easier, by far. It's mindless almost. I had some fun breakfast ideas I wanted to try, but I haven't really tried them yet. But I have done waffles twice--with cinnamon and apple sauce (on Waffle Wednesday) and eggs in a basket. And veggie egg waffles (that Sheree told me about). So I guess I have been creative. But I'm still wingin' it.

But today we slept in. And even went to bed by 11:00 last night because we were up too late Sunday Saturday night. (We had a wedding downtown which bummed Dan out. But then I said, "Let's make it fun and go to dinner downtown." Not only did Dan find us a new restaurant to try, but he bought us tickets for Mamma Mia 2 as well. A real date -- to a movie he knew I'd wanted to see and I didn't even have to be involved in the planning. I didn't realize I actually liked him making plans for us and telling me that's what we're doing. I loved it!)

So back to today, we slept in. Then we both exercised. And then Dan, Nick and I worked on the rock climbing wall for a long while. Nobody was happy about it and there was some grumbling. But we all changed our attitudes and now it is done! Before we had a lot of blank spots and worse, little kids didn't have handholds they needed to open the new easy-open trap doors. We think it's in good shape now. That's been hanging over my head for a very long time. The motivation to pay Nick and his friend $1 a hold paid off.

Then Dan and I sat out at the pool. It was lovely. The only thing missing was pool-side service. But Dan reminded me that food at the pool always is soggy by the time it gets to you anyway. And its awkward to eat. So we made our own guac and chips and it was delish. I worked on my homework and Dan didn't work and he noticed how our roles had switched. Ha!

Seriously, doesn't get better than this!